It dawns on me that I know a disturbing amount of women who’ve been attacked by men.
Like, more than ten.
//
Recently I found myself in a conversation about women being a bit more careful. About keeping a head about men they didn’t know quite well enough to inherently trust. I was advocating paying attention…to having a mind to take a step back every once in a while and take a look at the who, where, when and otherwise of the situations they find themselves in.
As I spoke I was tense and precautionary and protective.
If you know me you know that’s not a typical place for me to come from.
Two things were happening.
//
First, I was acting as if telling someone to “be safe” is actually helpful. Upon reflection, I’m entirely unsure that it is actually helpful.
Nobody who finds themselves in the wrong spot expected to be there.
And I’d like to live in a world in which women can expect men to treat them with a baseline modicum of respect.
I suppose I’ve accepted that this isn’t the world we live in. I hate saying that so much.
//
Second, I was presuming the worst in men.
That really gets me, because I don’t want to do that.
The rage I feel towards the men who’ve done these things to beautiful, strong, confident women who trusted them really doesn’t have words to describe it. The sadness I feel for the tragedy that their soul has become, for whatever reason, exists but doesn’t trump that rage.
My sense is that a few of the guys involved in situations I’m aware of didn’t think they were in the wrong.
That is absolutely terrifying.
//
It happens too much. It’s happening too much.
I’m honestly not sure what else to say.
It happens a lot and everyone should know that.
No one should feel alone having gone through it, and no one should feel as if it’s okay on any level.
Derek
I was sure I’d have a comment (or six) when I got down here to the comment section.
But now I just kind of want to nod sadly and shake your hand.
I don’t think a reminder to be safe is ever unhelpful – especially those of us who live in cities, we get comfortable with our path and our route and our surroundings and sometimes we don’t look up as much on streets we know. It’s always good to remember to vigilant, and it’s good to know that someone cares enough to say it.
The problem with “be safe” is when it’s used as an argument in victim blaming, that if only the woman had stayed on a main road, or had a friend walk her home, or didn’t drink so much that this wouldn’t have happened to her. It promotes the culture of “don’t get attacked” instead of “don’t attack”.
And you’re right, the most terrifying part of this is knowing that a huge percentage of these incidents aren’t perpetrated by strangers in a dark alley but rather by people we know and who don’t realize they’re doing anything wrong. One of my favorite paradigm shifts lately has been a refocusing of “no means no” into “yes means yes”, meaning the only time sometime is okay and permissible is in the case of a YES, instead of the absence of a NO.
I obviously have a lot to say on this matter but mostly I’m thankful for men who are aware of this culture and are advocating against it. <3
Agreed. Violence against women begins and ends with men. The only way to effectively combat rape and violence is to teach men not to rape or be violent.
And yes, D, the stats are extraordinarily high. The majority of women who have experienced violence never mention it, so it’s likely that the number that you know is at least double what you think. … In fact, 10 seems like a surprisingly small number to me. :-(
Exactly, Renee. One of my favourite signs from Slutwalk (a movement to end victim-blaming and “slut”-shaming) read something along the lines of: “Tips for rape prevention: When a woman is walking alone at night, don’t rape her. When a woman has had too much to drink, don’t rape her.” etc.
I think it’s so important to talk and work with men and for men to really understand and stand up against issues of violence against women. We can’t do it alone.
So it gives my heart a little glow every time a guy takes the time to say or write something thoughtful like this.
Derek, I’m heading to Vancouver tomorrow. I’m just going to ask permission now to bear hug you in case we should happen to cross paths.
I wish I was in Vancouver – I’d be down for bear hugs. I’m travelling a bunch this summer…currently in Ohio:)
Every comment in this thread is spot on…a culture in which YES is a full blown pre-requirement just must happen. It’s almost that men don’t talk about it because it’s not ‘their’ issue, and don’t think the guys around them would do something wrong. When I say that I know a lot of women who’ve been through this, it also means I know a lot men who’ve done it. I know that in nearly every case no one has confronted him about, and in many I suspect they just keep doing it.
It’s NOT FUCKING OKAY.
I was going to leave a comment, but realized Jenn summarized what I wanted to say. Spot on, indeed.
Yeah, it’s not okay. This is a great post. It’s just a shame that it has to be written. All the comments here pretty much sum up my thoughts, so I’ll just nod sadly like Peter said.
it is most definitely not okay. i think the thing is that we all want to give people we know the benefit of the doubt, so we normalize behavior that might be an early warning sign. i’ve done that, sadly, and paid dearly for it. i could have reacted to those first early signs of hostility and disrespect, but i also wasn’t the only one who could have called these parties out and possibly prevented an issue. there is a tendency to look at the verbal denigration of woman as an expression of pain from a guy who’s hurting, and that is really where it starts not being okay.
i think all of you have elaborated on D’s point very well…
until we fix the root the problem will persist.
sad but true. and i hate that anyone has to be a cautionary tale in this situation.
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