Parenthood has made such a hypocrite out of me. In other words, I just need to flat out say, I’m a jackass. Because, before I had children, there were so many “absolutely nots” that have become “absolutely necessary” to our well-being. Around four years ago, I was planning a wedding and pretty much enjoying life. I was also not so secretly shocked that a dear friend was still co-sleeping with her daughter. It doesn’t matter whether they were in the same bed or just in the same room (to be honest, I don’t know which one is the truth), but I was clearly poo-pooing the idea of sleeping in the same room as an almost one-year old. If I’m honest, I’ll tell you I thought it was gross. I thought they needed to give their kid her own space.
A couple years ago, we had our own baby, who came into the world far too soon. Every day in the NICU, my husband and I would bare our skin to let our wee little son sleep skin to skin for the healing benefits of kangaroo care. When we brought our son home from the hospital, he was a small five pounds, which was almost double his birth weight. He was this amazing little kid who, like many newborns, slept in our room. I’d keep him in my arms at night until he fell asleep and then transfer him to his pack-n-play. When he wasn’t an amazing sleeper, we brought him into bed with us for modified kangaroo time. I could not believe how being close to us calmed our son back to sleep; how he slept “like a baby” when sharing our bed, mimicking our breaths and continuing to heal and grow.
It stayed this way, our son sleeping in our room, until he was nine months old. By then, his sleep was growing more and more interrupted and we knew he was ready for his own room. But, our co-sleeping habit didn’t disappear when we moved him into his own room. We had a crib and a bed in that room. His bedtime routine continued to include me holding him until he fell asleep. Eventually, when he got a bit older, I’d lie down next to him until he fell asleep. We’d leave him in the bed and transfer him to his crib hours later. To this day, when he wakes up in the middle of the night and cannot be soothed by a pacifier alone, I pull him into the guest bed with me, where we both collapse back into slumbers.
Even at 20 months, the hybrid-kangaroo time continues to soothe him. He inches his way over to me until our faces are mere inches apart and I can feel breath coming from him; other times, he will put his head on my shoulder; and still other times, he just needs to have his hand touching me. There is a peace that comes in these moments. Our breathing mirroring one another; eyes fluttering closed; bodies succumbing to sleep. I know you must think it’s weird that we don’t let our son cry it out. That we stay with him until he falls asleep. That we use our body and our breath to soothe him in the darkest hours of night. Heck, I thought I was weird just a few years ago. But, now that I’m walking in those shoes? It feels like the most natural way to parent a young child and I cannot imagine doing it any other way.
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I let go of a lot of my preconceived notions about parenthood the minute O was born. You don’t know until you’re in it. As much as I love to sleep, if he wakes up now, curling up with his warm little body and having him fall asleep next to me is still wonderful.
You’re absolutely right, Molly. You really don’t know until you’re in it. It’s hard, though, to tell those without children to not have an opinion until they do have kids. They’re entitled to their opinion … and also entitled to change it once kids come into the picture. =)
i had a lot of “omg no way would that happen!!” before i had K and now it’s “eh, i’m sure it’ll be fine”. i also stay with kayla as she’s going to sleep (but we have bedtime rules – no talking, no goofing around, bedtime means bedtime etc) and if she wakes up at night, i go in there as well. i can’t sleep with her though – she moves too much and the times that i’ve tried, i always get woken up because her little arms smack me in the head/face
I love that you’ve figured out your own balance with Kayla … and I hear ya on the movement issue … it’s never fun being awoken to a swift kick to the kidney.
How beautifully you described the co-sleeping! We only did that for the first 3 months, and he transferred to his own crib quite well. We rocked him to sleep though, for a long time. These days, he still needs TLC but we hardly ever stay with him. When our power went out and J got scared, he slept in our bed. But it was really sleeping, and it was the worst night of our lives! Anyways, what I’m trying to say is, good for you for following your instincts and knowing what your child needs/doesn’t need. And you are not a jack a**.
I can sleep with Gavin, but there’s no way Sweets, Gavin and I will sleep together. In fact, on vacation, Sweets often sleeps in a different bed and lets me sleep with Gavin. What a family dynamic we have!
I swore I’d never let either of my kids return to the “nest”, but lo and behold I am doing just that. Parenting means doing what’s best for your child, even if it’s contrary to earlier positions. I still tend to judge other’s parenting decisions (I’m a bitch), but I’ve come to realize that MOST parents truly are doing the absolute best they can for their child—those pesky little critters all need such different care, there can’t be a standard right and wrong.
So, you’re saying I should shut my hole about “never letting kids move home after graduation???” =)
Co-sleeping is my favorite. I am SO tired of hearing, “Ohhhh, bad Kaci,” whenever it comes up that E sleeps with us (he is 7 months old). So, THANK YOU for this. You described it beautifully.
It really is a bummer when the rest of the world acts as if you’re assaulting your child. Co-sleeping has honestly been one of the best decisions we’ve made as parents. And for anyone who is concerned, our 20-month old has adjusted to the outside world just fine, thank you very much.
Every parent should do what works best for them! And that sounds like a lovely way to go back to sleep :)
You’re pretty amazing to be able to say that before parenthood. It took me becoming a parent to realize I need to give parents more space to figure out what works best for them.
Hmmm. I didn’t realize that so many people had opinions on how others raised their children.
But I’m glad you’re doing what works for you.
I can’t tell you how many well-intended people have made some pretty harsh judgments about seemingly stupid, nonsensical parenting stuff, Peter. It’s sort of ridiculous.
we all have to find our own way. :) my best friend practices attachment parenting, and she loves it. i don’t think i am likely to take to it, but then, i’m only accounting for *my* personality… ;)
The fact that you’re supportive of your friend’s practices, even if they differ from how you think you’ll raise your own kids, is really important and impressive!
Nilsa, this is the sweetest post ever. It’s interesting too – the idea of using breath to calm him. I’d never thought about that but it makes total sense. It’s like some sort of cooperative baby yoga breathing. :) Like I do when reading many of your G posts, I thought of the “Love you Forever” book. Maybe someday G will be using his breath to soothe and calm you.
love this.
and i love co-sleeping. and you described it beautifully.