As you may know, I have another blog besides this one. And on that blog, I blog about “real life and The Bachelor.” Those things probably don’t seem very related to you (and you would be correct about that), and they aren’t to me, either. I will never be on The Bachelor/ette. I would never apply to be a contestant (break-ups are hard enough when they are private except that they’re never private unless you and your significant other managed to live under a rock this whole time in which case, why would you break up? YOU ARE ALL YOU HAVE.) and ABC will never, ever, ever-ever-ever-ever cast me to be the Bachelorette.
Want to know why?
Well, here are five reasons:
1. My blog. Out of all the things I ever say about The Bachelor/ette franchise, only about 5 to 5.32% of them are even remotely positive. I don’t think that the ABC People really want anything to do with me, in fact. This is also the reason why I will probably never get a job at the Walt Disney Company. I really should have considered that four seasons ago.
2. I’m 30. Okay, I’m not quite 30. But I’m close to 30. I know, I know. I look like I’m 17, which definitely puts me in the right age group to the The Bachelorette, but, according to MATH and HISTORY, I’m actually 29. So. I’m too old for that shit.
3. Are we in Vegas? No? Then I’m most likely not wearing sequins.
4. If a guy ever sings to me on a date, I don’t care if he’s hot and I don’t care if he’s a talented singer, I WILL laugh. There will be no straight face on that one. There will be second-hand embarrassment, laughter, and possibly tears. This applies to singing and anything that is similar to singing. I’m not even sorry.
5. There is nothing inherently wrong with me. I’m TOO NORMAL. I am not a single mother. I am not possibly in a cult. I’m not clingy or a close-talker. I didn’t single-handedly raise my four younger brothers and sisters. I don’t have a dead parent (knock on wood) or dead spouse. I’ve never been dumped on national television. I’ve never rejected two people in one day on national television. My job title is not a euphemism for “stripper.”
Call me if there’s a dating show for normal people who like to snark on dating shows. I’d be a ringer for that one.