If you thought she was looking for something, you were right. She wasn’t running. She was looking. Past people’s eyes, wondering what was directly behind their heads. She imagined the places they’d been and the places they thought they were going. The people and feelings that were holding them captive.
She put them into different compartments in the corners of her mind. This one in the “dreamer” corner. That one in the “realist” corner. The other in the “don’t get too close” or the “keep in mind” corner. Her system wasn’t science, but it was somehow foolproof.
She even had herself in one of the corners, the “independent-badass-doesn’t-need-anyone-and-has-her-shit-together” one. It was true. She didn’t need anyone, really. She was fine on her own. Her plans to travel the world one small city at a time were completely in reach. She would wander toward the places where the gravity pulled her, stay til she felt a pull from somewhere else. A graceful game of tug of war among herself, the ocean, the mountains, and the city.
She planned and imagined and allowed herself to be taken down the stream of doubt, the stream that also lead to the excitement, the unknown.
Her biggest fear was waking up one day and finding herself in a place she wasn’t wanted.
One day, she stopped planning. This time, the pull from somewhere else was countered by the pull from somewhere here. She didn’t notice.
Her plans shifted, slowly. So slowly that she forgot that she ever even had plans. And she didn’t notice.
As her plans changed, so did she. She was moving, but not toward the natural momentum of “away”. She was moving as one with the grasp that was here, passively resisting the pull that was there.
She awoke. And then she noticed.
Had her fears come true?
She felt trapped, suffocated, nauseated. This wasn’t part of her plan! She never meant to stay. Yet, here she was. Staying.
She found herself still looking. Searching for air, for a way out. She didn’t know what she was looking for.
Until she realized she had found it.