This is a post entirely inspired by Eleni’s on August 8th here on Pooping Rainbows, entitled What I meant when I said, “I have a crush on you.” You should read that one; it’s great.
When I said, “I have a crush on you” I meant that my heart did a backflip when I saw your name. The first time I saw your name was after I’d added your number to my phone and you used it to follow up on our coffee meeting. I couldn’t have agreed more, it was amazing, and I do a lot of coffees so that’s saying something. I wrestled my optimism back into its cage. Then it kept happening, your name that is, showing up all over the goddamn internet like Google and Facebook hire gnomes to follow single people around spying on our love lives and tweaking search results or something.
When I said “I have a crush on you” it meant you made me feel more like myself than I had in ages. I had a hunch I’d changed a lot, but when I told you how, I heard the truth in what I was saying. I saw the truth on your face. I wanted to scream from the top of a mountain all the things I’d learned in the last two years, about life, work, myself. I wasn’t afraid any more; you saw right through me and smiled. I wanted to flash backward to the past and pick myself up off the floor and say, “You were right, she does exist. She’s more beautiful than you could have imagined, though.”
When I said, “I have a crush on you” I meant that the thought of you makes me smile. I can’t really help it. It’s weird, sometimes, sitting in line at a coffee shop and grinning like a total fool. It’s unsettling for a total stranger to be as nice as I would be to random baristas and people on the street, but when you’re on a crush high you really don’t have a say in the matter. When I said, “I have a crush on you” I meant that I didn’t realize I liked sending Good Night and Good Morning texts so much. I meant that your mind felt like oxygen for my brain, your perspective like sunshine on the world.
When I said “I have a crush on you” I meant I stood straighter for you. I meant that my chest felt a little bigger around you, and the look on your face after I cut my hair made me want it to grow out again so I could cut it again and see your eyes light up again. When I said, “I have a crush on you” I meant that I wanted you to know my family and friends, and I want to know yours.
When you said “I have a crush on you too” I knew I’d just experienced my luckiest moment to date.