When I said “I have a crush on you” I meant that my heart smiled when I saw your name. And I saw your name in the most unlikely places. I found it in the book I was reading. What are the chances that the protagonist would have the same name as you? What are the chances the protagonist would be so likeable? I would type a name into Facebook and it would bring up your profile because you and this other person’s name share two letters. When I said “I have a crush on you” I meant you made me feel prettier than I had in years. I felt stronger but also more vulnerable. When I said “I have a crush on you” I meant I’d lost my appetite for food, but found my appetite for life. I wanted to do everything I’d been pinning for better days. I wanted to finger paint, I wanted to dive into the deep end of a pool, I wanted to watch Dr. Who and I wanted make dinner for two. I wanted to flash backward to the past and pick myself up off the floor and say, “It’ll happen. Someone wonderful will see you.”
When I said “I have a crush on you” I meant I think about you more than I think about other people. My brain only saw information it thought you would like. In psychology, when the brain does that, it’s called confirmation bias. The brain filters information and only sees the ones that fit a predetermined hypothesis. I had a crush bias. Everything you did was spun in a way to make me like you even more.
When I said “I have a crush on you” I meant I got dressed up for you. My pink lips were for you. The highlight at the tip of my cheekbones was for you because I like my cheekbones and I wanted you to like them too. The colour on my nails was for you.
When I said “I have a crush on you” I meant when I was standing in line at Starbucks, I’d smile like a fool in love and my baristas thought I was the friendliest person in Greece, when in fact, it was only because I was thinking of the way you say good morning. When I said “I have crush on you” I meant I could talk to you until the moon rises in every single time zone. I could ask you a thousand and one questions and still find one more to ask you tomorrow.
When you said “I have a crush on you too” I had no idea what you meant, but I’m sure you didn’t mean it the way I did, because if you did, you’d still have a crush on me too.